Today, I spent a lot of time deep in thought. I wish I could say I was deep in thought about deep thoughts (I definitely chuckled as I typed that...), but that wouldn't be true. I was actually coming up with a list of random/little known facts about myself which I am going to share with you. I'm trying to come up with more witty stuff to write before sharing the list, but in the words of GloZell, "It ain't gon happen." So without further ado, here's the list.

- I really, really, really like Minneapolis. 

- One of my favorite things to do is follow a street/road to its end, and upon reaching said end, I often feel a twinge of sadness. 

- I love exploring, and unless under a time crunch or with cranky, unimaginative people, I do not mind being lost.

- I REALLY wanted to be a hairdresser when I was little.

- When it comes to clothing, shoes or accessories, I am generally unwilling to pay full price for it. Thus, the clearance rack has become one of my best friends.

- It really bothers me when people wear sunglasses indoors (though I make exceptions for those with a vision impairment).

- I really enjoy typing.

- I am a Calvinist.

- I like old buildings, but only from certain time periods.

- I like to think of myself as a very resourceful person.

- I have a horrible habit of picking at hangnails which sometimes results in very raw cuticles.

- I am 98% against using numbers and letters as stand-ins for words.

- I hate taking naps.

- I can wiggle my ears.

- I love thunderstorms. 

- I really enjoy writing the number 8.

I'm sure there are more random things about me, but that's all I can think of right now. What about you? Share with me your random list of random things about yourself. C'mon! It'll be fun!

DISCLAIMER: I realize that the following thoughts are ways of finding comfort when you've lost someone, and I do not mean to make light of anyone's process of grieving. I realize that the following statements might even be offensive to some. I am sorry if that is the case, but I must speak (er, write) my opinion. Here goes...

When I die, please don't let anyone tell you that I'm watching over or guiding you. I won't be. I'll leave that task to more capable hands. To watch over is to "To be in charge of; superintend" (thanks thefreedictionary.com!). I will be doing neither of these. How could I? When I am dead, there is no power in my mortal body to restrain or persuade you, and my spirit most certainly does not possess this power. There is only one sovereign, omnipotent Spirit, and it ain't me. You should be glad about that.

When I die, please don't let anyone tell you that I'm with you, that my spirit lives in you - unless of course they mean it figuratively. My spirit will be worshiping before the throne of my Lord and Savior. Frankly, I'd much rather be there than "with you". Not that I don't love you, but I don't understand how I could be with the ones that mourn me and still experience the unparalleled joy that has been promised me. Thanks, but no thanks. 

When I die, please don't let anyone tell you I'm passing through when you hear chimes ringing in the wind or you feel a cool breeze on your face. I will not be some sort of ghost aimlessly wandering the earth trying to leave reminders of myself with you. As we've already discussed, I will be in the presence of my Lord, held securely in His arms - so I don't think the passing through thing is going to work. 

When I die, please don't let anyone tell you that I was such a good person, so I must be in heaven. Look, to begin with, the Bible does not tell me that I will find myself in heaven because I was a good person. No, Scripture clearly tells me (and us) that it is only by faith in the shed blood of Jesus that I have salvation and the hope of heaven. Secondly, I was not good - at least not on my own. Any good that I did was through the power of the Holy Spirit living in me, and it was evidence of the transformation caused by my faith in Christ. But, I do thank you for thinking so highly of me.

When I die, be open to those who tell you how you too can have the hope of glory. Let them tell you all about how Jesus took our place on the cross, how he paid the price for every single sin that has been, is being, and will be committed. Let them tell you all about how He rose from the dead, conquering sin and death. And say yes when they ask if you'd like to place your trust in Christ for salvation because 1.) it's the best decision you'll ever make and 2.) I want to see you again! 

This has been a really rough several weeks for me. My grandma died two weeks ago, and then on Wednesday, I found out that Josh Larkin (a friend of mine from high school) died. Perhaps rough is an understatement - maybe nightmare-ish more properly describes my plight.

Those of you who know me, or at least read my blog, know that I struggled with my grandmother's death. I still do. It was so strange to be in her house without her. Several times, I swear I was confused by it and almost asked, "Where's Grandma?" (Un)fortunately, I remembered before I could utter the words. It was even more difficult to watch my grandfather struggle with her death. It was like watching a movie where every time someone is reminded of a person they love, but are separated from, they cry - only it wasn't funny as those movie scenes almost always are. It was actually rather heart breaking and slightly - for lack of a better word - awkward. The slightest reminder of Grandma brought tears to my grandpa's eyes. Once we were eating pizza, and tears came to his eyes as he said, "Your grandma loved this pizza." Everything reminded him of her... What do you say to someone who has lost the love of their life, the person he or she has been in a relationship with for 65 years?

And then, as we continued to mourn our grandmother's passing, we got word that Josh Larkin died. BAM!!!! Another blow to my heart. I knew Josh the best when we attended high school together for a year. He was a freshman, I was a senior. It wasn't long before he was like my little brother. He made me laugh with his jokes and he inspired me with his heart for the Lord. After I graduated, I didn't do a very good job of staying in touch with him. I wish I would have, and that's one of the things that hurts the most right now. However, because there is no way to redo the past, I am choosing to be thankful to have known him so well that year and to have known him through our siblings and mutual friends.

As I've read the comments on Josh's facebook since his death and talked to my sister (who also went to Taylor), I've seen how much Josh was accomplishing for the Lord. I've been made aware of how that freshman Josh I knew grew and became the third year Josh who gave his all to everything, who loved without discrimination, who served the Lord with all of his might. I read Josh's blog post about potential, and it's clear to me that he wanted, more than anything, to be the person God had made him to be. He wanted all God had for him.

Some might say that Josh died too young. We might wonder what he could have been, what he could have done. We might even think about (and maybe be a little sad about) the things Josh won't get to do: graduate college, get some amazing job doing what he loved, get married, have kids, etc. I've thought about these things, but I can guarantee you this: Josh is not thinking about this, and he's certainly not sad or disappointed. He is seeing his Lord and Savior face to face! He is enjoying the fullness of the Lord and freedom from the cares of life!

I will be honest, between Wednesday and last night (Saturday), I asked the Lord countless times to demonstrate His power by raising Josh from the dead. This request came partially from my desire to build our relationship again and partially from my inability to believe that Josh had gotten the opportunity to do everything God had destined for him to do. However, the more I thought about it, the more I asked myself, "What if Josh DID do everything God had destined for him to do?" What if God's purpose for Josh was simply for him to love everyone with whom he came in contact? What if it was simply for Josh to have such a zest for life that he inspired others and set an example for the rest of us? What if the purpose of his short life was to simply point others to Christ by the way he lived? As I've wrestled with these thoughts, I've come to this conclusion: If the Lord had desired for Josh to find an amazing job and raise a family, it would have happened. The Lord would have extended his life if those were his plans for Josh. God is sovereign.

And now, I broaden the scope of this question. What if God's purpose for our lives is simply for us to love all those with whom we come in contact? What if God's desire is for us to love others and anything else we accomplish is secondary? To be sure, the things we do for the Lord are important, but as Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13, none of that matters if we don't have love. Love should be the motivation behind any endeavor we undertake for the Lord, and I think Josh understood that.

So I ask, did Josh die too young? Maybe not. Did Josh accomplish the will of God for his life? I would have to say yes. I believe that he walked in step with the Spirit, following His leading and guiding; in doing so, he was doing exactly what God wanted him to do.

Yes, I am sad that my friendship with Josh has been temporarily interrupted. Yes, I think of the awesome things such an awesome person could have done. Yes, I have a hard time understanding why the Lord didn't extend his life. And yes, at times I struggle to believe that Josh is really gone. But deep down in my soul, I have the assurance that God is in control and He alone determines when it is time for us to come home. It is up to us to, like Josh, walk according to the Spirit and make the most of every opportunity. I believe that if we do that, we will hear the words Josh most assuredly heard upon seeing the Risen Lamb in all His glory: Well done, My good and faithful servant.

Have you ever struggled to wrap your mind around someone's death? I'm sure many felt this way about Michael Jackson or Whitney Houston. Then of course there are all those people out there claiming that Tupac is alive and well somewhere. But I'm talking about really struggling to come to grips with someone's death... That's how I feel about my Grandma dying. I can't believe she's gone. 

Everytime I think of her, I think of this healthy, vivacious woman with short curly hair and high top Reebox. Then I get confused. She's dead? How is that possible? Is this some kind of sick joke? Or maybe it's a nightmare and I just need to wake up. I feel so confused. I just can't seem to reconcile the thought of my beautiful grandma with the horror story I heard at 5:45 this morning. 

You know how some people just seem timeless? That's how it was with my grandma. She never seemed to get any older, no matter how many birthdays she had. I always had this thought that she would outlive me (regardless of those chances being slim to none). I've never known life without my grandma. I've certainly never pictured life without my grandma, but now here it is. 

My brain hurts from trying to accept the situation. It's like my mind can only go so far before I get stuck. I can accept that she was very ill and had a number of issues in her body. I can accept the frail, tired woman hooked to the oxygen tank because I saw it with my own eyes. But after that, I'm having trouble. Hospice care and death just seem like vague memories of a bad dream I once had... and that's exactly what I wish this was.

I think it's interesting that the Lord allowed my grandma to pass during my observance of Lent. For Lent I gave up coffee, pop, and fast food (excluding Subway). These are my weaknesses when I'm having a tough day. When my Somali father passed, I went out and ate a huge pastrami sandwich accompanied by some deluxe chili cheese fries. They don't call that stuff comfort food for nothing. 

So now, here I am, having given these things up for Lent and having one of the roughest days of my life. To a certain extent, I think I understand all the more what it means to find comfort in Christ alone. The comfort I would find in a Coke or fries lasts only as long as the Coke or fries. When they're gone, so is my comfort. Jesus has promised to never leave or forsake me, and it is the joy of the Lord that will be my strength.

The grief comes in waves, and who knows when the the storm will be over. The best thing you can do for me is pray - ask the Lord what you should pray. He knows what I need during this time, and He knows what my family needs during this time. One thing I do want you to pray for is the salvation of my family members who might not know the Lord. If there is any good that can come of my grandma's passing, it's that each and every family come to know the Savior that my grandma is now seeing face to face. But no matter what happens, to God be the glory!

When I was in junior high and high school, I LOVED going to Acquire the Fire (ATF). I always left the event feeling closer to God - like I was on a spiritual mountain. I was always sad when we came back from our dinner break because I knew that the event was coming to a close.

This past weekend, I attended my first ATF since my senior year of high school (it's been six years, in case you were curious). Believe me when I say I couldn't wait for the weekend to be over. It had nothing to do with Teen Mania or ATF, but everything to do with the group I was with and everything it took to get to the event. If you'd like to read a happy post where I don't complain about anything, I suggest you stop reading. I do plan on using this post to vent my frustrations about the weekend, so beware (and try not to be offended if you happen to notice I'm talking about you).

First, a note to parents: When your child's youth leader sends home any kind of written communication, please be a pal and READ IT!!! You should not be calling me with questions you could have answered yourself by simply reading the written information I gave you. However, if you or your child misplace the information, by all means CALL ME instead of acting all brand new on the day of the event.

Also, if I say your child is going to need money for something, please make sure your child has the money! I am counting on you to be on top of that. It is not fair nor is it acceptable for your child(ren) to enjoy something everyone else but them chipped in for. Have that talk with your child before the event: This money is for this, this money is for that. Simple, right?

Now, a note to chaperones: If you're going to be a chaperone, be a chaperone! As a chaperone, you have the authority to step in and say something when a situation becomes inappropriate in any way. You are grown! You know what is and is not appropriate! DO NOT leave it to me to be the bad guy.

Also, do not act brand new as a chaperone! It is NOT ACCEPTABLE for you to call me 15 minutes before we are supposed to be at our meeting place and say, "What do I need to know that I don't know?" First of all, I don't know what you do and don't know, so you're going to have to be a little more specific. Secondly, I made sure to pass on to you the EXACT same information I gave the parents. Therefore, at the very least, you should have known where and when we were meeting, what you needed to bring to the event, and what the event schedule looked like.

*Sigh*

I was just so annoyed by the end of Saturday night. I feel like I spent 85% of the event telling kids to take a buddy with them if they wanted to go somewhere, telling them it was not appropriate to try to "flame" each other, telling them no they could not go get another drink, making sure they weren't wasting their parents' money by sleeping, etc. I felt like the only chaperone for majority of the event. It was so much simpler to be at ATF as a youth.

I said I wasn't going to take these kids to ATF again... I don't know how true that statement is. But I do know that if we ever attend ATF again, things are going to be different... way different.